"It was always water.
Like when in the Navy,
I dreamed every night
Of sneaking out of my bunk,
Of going up on deck,
Of throwing myself in.
Water.
"I never could have jumped in front of a train.
I couldn't have done that to the conductor.
"But jumping in the ocean--
You'd just float off somewhere,
Get eaten by the fish."
Hi Angela! This is your agent. I like this poem, but it leaves me wanting more... It is clear this is about a suicide and at the end I was wondering why he (I'm guessing its a 'he') wanted to do it.
And in the second stanza I would have left out the last line--I know you lose that 'would have lived with it the rest of his life'--that touch of irony if you don't have that line, but I don't think you need to spell it out. I think we know why he wouldn't want to do that to the conductor.
Anyway, I liked it a lot--I found it poignant and I wished it were longer.
your dutiful servant
MT
I tend to agree with your agent. Especially on dropping the third line of the second stanza. Everyone should know why you wouldn't do that to the conductor.
I'm not sure it is a male. Our only clues are the Navy (an EOE) and the form of suicide. I suspect drowning is more a feminine form. Men stereotypically go for the more violent methods.
I'm also not sure we need more of the poem. (Yes, more poems!) But this poem might say enough.
A poem only really needs to say one thing. And I think this one does it quite well.
Posted by: anon at May 16, 2002 01:33 PMYou guys were absolutely right about the third line of the second stanza. It is now gone. See how useful weblogs are?
Posted by: eshtine at May 16, 2002 05:18 PMi have no idea what a stanza is but i like the poem :) dark but kinda strangely optimistic, like theres some reason they decided not to do it..
Posted by: triff at May 17, 2002 11:12 PMTriff--
A stanza is like a paragraph in a poem. For instance,
"'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves"
Is one line or one verse, and
"'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
All mimsy were the borogroves,
And the mome raths outgrabe."
is one stanza.
And by the way, unless I'm just not recognizing you, I think you have the distinction of being the first visitor to this weblog that I don't know personally. Welcome! Come and stay awhile! Tell all your friends! ;)
I found myself wondering what people would say.
The things they would think of me .
Like those actions were always expected.
Crazy or odd in a certain way.
Enough of thier thoughts this mine.
And only mine decision to make.
I never wanted to jump from a boat.
Leaving people at wonder if I was still a float.
So I think a train is my way to go
They would all know I definitly ended on a dead note.
I found myself wondering what people would say.
The things they would think of me .
Like those actions were always expected.
Crazy or odd in a certain way.
Enough of thier thoughts this is mine.
And only my decision to make.
I never wanted to jump from a boat.
Leaving people at wonder if I was still a float.
So I think a train is my way to go
They would all know I definitly ended on a dead note.
I found myself wondering what people would say.
The things they would think of me .
Like those actions were always expected.
Crazy or odd in a certain way.
Enough of thier thoughts this is mine.
And only my decision to make.
I never wanted to jump from a boat.
Leaving people at wonder if I was still a float.
So I think a train is my way to go
They would all know I definitly ended on a dead note.
I found myself wondering what people would say.
The things they would think of me .
Like those actions were always expected.
Crazy or odd in a certain way.
Enough of thier thoughts this is mine.
And only my decision to make.
I never wanted to jump from a boat.
Leaving people at wonder if I was still a float.
So I think a train is my way to go
They would all know I definitly ended on a dead note.