I'm going to subject you all to the story of a really bad day that started with a bout of unconsciousness and most recently included my abject apologies to a telephone solicitor.
Last night I began preparations for an unpleasant medical procedure. The medical procedure itself ain't all that bad; one is generally not awake for it, and afterward I planned to guilt Mom into buying me a Frosty. The prep work, however, involves a day on a liquid diet and then an evening of, well, I'd rather not talk about it, thank you very much. As I said, it's unpleasant.
More unpleasantly, I had a cold, and after an evening of non-fun I curled up in my covers with a horrible hacking cough. I don't know why it didn't occur to me that scheduling a medical procedure while one has a horrible hacking cough is kind of stupid, especially when part of the procedure involves having a camera stuck down one's throat. ("I'm not getting a very clear picture, Doctor. There seem to be seismic-style vibrations in the chest cavity." "RUN FOR COVER!")
After a few hours of sleep a fit of coughing woke me. I thought, "Must be morning." I checked the clock; it was 3 AM. I groaned and gathered up the blankets again, but I couldn't get warm or back to sleep. At around 4:30 I had the "We love you Conrad" song from "Bye Bye Birdie" stuck in my head:
"We love you Conrad,
Oh yes we do!
We love you Conrad,
And we'll be true.
When you're not with us,
We're blue!
Oh, Conrad, we love you!"
It cycled over and over and over. Meanwhile I was starting to shiver from the cold even though I had on two blankets. So I thought, "I'll run a hot bath." I got up, grabbed my glasses (after a couple of unsuccessful attempts; I was shaking so bad I couldn't get a grip on them), got to the bathroom, turned on the water, thought, "A bad thing is about to happen," sat down on the floor, and lost consciousness.
Now, I've fainted a few times in my life, which is one of the reasons I had the presence of mind to get down to the floor of my own volition before gravity did the job for me. But this fainting spell was really weird. For one thing, it happened terrifically slowly. My consciousness was treading water a good long time before it finally went under, so I got to be aware of all my systems shutting down. Fainting isn't like falling asleep and dreaming, because when you dream, or at least when I dream, it's as if you get to exit your immediate environment and go hang out in an alternate reality for a few hours. This, before my consciousness winked out completely, was like getting trapped in a small dark space. Very small, very trapped. I hope nothing like this every happens to me again.
I don't know how long I was out. I came back very, very slowly, just the way I left. There was this noise, only I couldn't even assign a word like "noise" to it. There was a feeling and there were shapes and colors, but again, all these were without identity. And then the word "water" filtered through, and "crick in my neck" and "bathroom tiles." I was listening to the bathtub filling up with my head at an odd angle against the wall facing the heating vent.
I contemplated this for a time. There wasn't much else I could do. I probably drifted in and out some more before my mind was ready to produce the thought, "I am splayed on my bathroom floor and it's 4:30 in the morning and I really could use some help." It was even later that I remembered I had a voice, and that I was probably strong enough to use it. I called out "MOM!" as loud as I could, and then repeated it at intervals of every few moments like a hungry baby bird: "MOM!...MOM!...MOM!...MOM!"
No response. Somehow I got up, and then I was going down the staircase making my distress call: "MOM!...MOM!...MOM!"
"What?"
I lay down on the carpet outside her room and explained the situation. I was able to end my fast with oatmeal and Boston brown bread curled in her recliner under two afghans and a blanket, and things were much better for the next few hours.
This brings me to the telephone solicitor or whoever the heck she was. It was now about ten in the morning and I was feeling lonely because everyone I know was at work and I wanted someone to tell my near-death experience to. (Okay, not a near-death experience. Just, as I said, something I'd rather not repeat.) The phone rang and I answered it.
"Good morning, ma'am. Is Mark there?" Lots of noise in the background like it was an office full of people making calls.
"I'm sorry, you have the wrong number."
"Is this--" and she read off my number.
"Yes, but there isn't any Mark here." I knew what was likely to come next; I've had this sort of call before, where they don't really care who is on the line as long as it's a live person.
"Then you must not have had this number long, is that right?"
"I'm sorry, but that's really not any of your business."
"Oh!" she said. "Now that wasn't very nice!" And she proceeded to scold me.
I don't have a lot of experience with strangers calling me unsolicited and then scolding me if they think I'm being rude, just as I previously didn't have much experience with passing out on my bathroom floor at 4:30 in the morning. I wanted to explain this to her, but instead I just said "I'm very sorry, I'm having a really bad morning."
"Well, I'll pray for you then." As she was hanging up I heard her start to say "Oh, man!" to a co-worker, as in, "You wouldn't BELIEVE what this woman just SAID to me!"
1. Thank God you don't live alone.
2. Thank God you weren't IN the tub filled with water when you fainted; and
3. I personally feel you don't have any reason to apologize to the stranger/potential telephone solicitor - she had no business questioning how long you've had the number or scolding you. Wrong number. Thank you. Goodbye. Period. You were not inviting conversation with a stranger and SHE was out of line, not you.
I did figure out #3 after I hung up with her. I started thinking, "Wait a minute..." And then I just decided the whole thing was a surreal cap to the morning, so I wrote about it.
Posted by: eshtine at February 13, 2003 02:41 PM